Tips for Parents

How can I Give My Child a Good Start in School?

Teach self-control through discipline. Discipline should be consistent, firm yet warm. Discipline should teach the correct behavior. You are the first authority figure you child encounters. Appropriate discipline teaches your child to respect you and authority figures.
Communicate a zero tolerance of mistreatment of others by consistently applying negative consequences for bullying behavior. But also reward your child when you see the opposite behavior.
Teach the Golden Rule - treat others the way you want to be treated. Teach this so offend that it becomes a conviction not just a belief. You want it to control your child's attitude, thoughts and behavior.
Teach your child that mistreatment and kindness are powerful and they create life-long memories. Teach your child to be concerned about their reputation.
Hold family meetings to teach empathy, sensitivity and values.
Teach child to control his/her anger.
Discuss models of acceptance (newspaper stories, television stories, movies, etc.).
Discuss bullying scenes you watch on television or in movies.
Teach your child to say, “I’m sorry.” “Please forgive me.” and then be kind to the person.

What should I do when I find out my child is being bullied?

Be thankful that you know.
Do not call the bully’s parents – Don’t be Mr. or Ms. “Fix-it.”
Discuss the bullying events with your child (who, what, where, etc.) – do not interrogate – avoid “Why” and “You” statements.
Keep a log/diary and take picture of injuries – report physical assaults to school and police.
Ask your child to write down what happened, thoughts, and feelings
Let your child know it is normal to feel hurt, fear, embarrassment, shame, and anger.
If your child says, “No one likes me at school,” don’t disagree.
Stay calm – do not be too quick to blame anyone – do not respond until you have details.
Make sure your child understands that no one deserves to be bullied.
Explain why bullies mistreat others.
Ask yourself, “Is my child contributing to this problem?”
Ask yourself, “Is there anything about your child that needs to be “normalized?”
Don’t tell your child to retaliate.
Don’t tell your child to ignore the bullying.
Tell your child to avoid the bully – when possible.
Find out what other parents and students know about the bully – don’t mention the bullying.
Talk to other parents of victims – What have they done?
Find out if your child’s school has an anti-bullying policy.
Explain that bullies seek certain reactions – want to hurt you and make you upset.
Do not promise your child that you will not tell anyone. (Tell him/her you will do your best not to make it worse.)
Express confidence that a solution can be found – give your child hope.
Contact your child’s teachers (do not be seen at school when you make the report). (Work through school personnel as appropriate and as necessary).
Ask for an adult your child can report to every day at school. Ask your child to name that person.
Be patient - don’t give up – maintain and instill hope.
If possible, file formal charges against the bully – assault, etc.
Seek a restraining order.
Ask certain adults at school to befriend your child and to monitor his/her activities.
Ask grandparents to maintain strong ties and communicate frequently with your child.
Ask older child who has good morals to mentor your child.
Involve your child in activities inside and outside school. Increase the probability of quality friendships.
Monitor your child’s whereabouts and new friendships. Sometimes children seek a sense of belonging and acceptance in the wrong places (i.e., cults, drug groups, gangs, hate groups, etc.). Sometimes they turn to alcohol and smoking to deal with their stress and to find acceptance with a particular group.
Monitor your child’s viewing of violence on television, in video games, and in movies.
Limit the time your child has on the computer and telephone – excessive watching of violence and rehashing mistreatment may lead to retaliation.
Watch for signs of anger, anxiety, and depression.
Watch for signs of Post Traumatic Stress.
Watch for signs that your child may be suicidal.
When appropriate, seek professional counseling for your child.
Make sure your child gets adequate rest, exercises and eats right.
Help your child identify talents and gifts and develop a hobby – skill of social value.
Keep lines of communication open with your child and his/her school.
Don’t be afraid to involve your child in deciding what should be done.
Develop social skills and teach your child friendship makings skills. (Children with at least one friend are less likely to be bullied) - (Hodges, Malone, and Perry, 1997).
Having a “best friend” reduces the duration of bullying, emotional problems, and behavioral problems (Hodges, Boivin, Vitaro, and Bukowski, 1999).
Develop self-confidence and self-esteem (enroll in martial arts, give choices and brag on choices, emotional rehearsal, visualization, etc.).
Encourage positive self-talk.
Teach him/her to never walk alone.
Involvement in service/helping projects.
Encourage your child to write about their thoughts and feelings in a journal. This can be very healing to their emotions.
If your child has a disability, encourage him/her to talk openly about the disability.
Provide Assertiveness Training for your child who is bullied and for siblings. Determine which of the following strategies are best for your child and his/her siblings to use.

Assertiveness Skills for Students Who are Bullied

Allan L. Beane, Ph.D.

Note: Use the following information only with the recommendation of your teacher or counselor and your parents. These strategies should also be used with other strategies to keep you safe.

General Strategies:

Look confident (assertive body language) by standing tall and holding your head up.
Don’t cry and run off. Instead move closer, turn sideways, and have non-threatening eye contact.
Keep your facial expressions neutral. Don’t look sad and don’t look angry.
Hold your arms beside your body. Don’t hold your arms up like you want to fight.
Make your assertive comment and then walk off confidently.

Specific Strategies:

Make an assertive statement: With a serious face and a strong but calm voice say, "Stop it!" or say, “This is a waste of my time. I’m out of here.” (walk off confidently) - Or say some other appropriate comment, but do not provoke the student who bullies
Fogging—(admit the characteristic) soft verbal comebacks. For example, “Allan, you sure are fat.” You could say, “You’re right, I need to lose weight.” (walk off confidently)
Admit the Obvious—point out that the bully sees the obvious— “Wow! He noticed I have big ears.” (walk off confidently)
Broken record — repeat “What did you say?” or “That’s your opinion.” or “So.” (Then, walk off confidently)
Confront bully concerning his/her spreading lies/rumors. (walk off confidently.)
Expose the ignorance of the student who bullies you. For example, if he is bullying you because of your medical problem or disability, tell him the facts about it. (walk off confidently)
Give permission to tease– “Well, it’s okay to say what you want. It doesn’t bother me.” (walk off confidently.)
Use sense of humor (do not make the bully feel like he/she is being laughed at). For example, if the bully says, “You sure do have big ears.” You could say, “I know, sometimes I feel like I am an elephant.” (walk off confidently)
Make an asset of characteristic. For example, one boy was teased because he lost his hair because of cancer treatments. He said, “Well, I guess Michael Jordan and I are alike, we both don’t have much hair.” (walked off confidently)
Throw something and run when you are at risk of being hurt or you are in danger.

Assertiveness Strategies for Siblings and Other Students (Bystanders)

Allan L. Beane, Ph.D.

Note: Use the following information only with the recommendation of your teacher or counselor and your parents. These strategies should also be used with other strategies to keep you and others safe.

General Strategies:

Look confident (assertive body language) by standing tall, with your shoulders back
Move closer to the bully, beside the victim, turn sideways, and give the bully non-threatening eye contact
Keep your facial expressions neutral
Keep your arms beside your body
Make your stand then leave the situation
Specific Strategies:
Make assertive statements for the victim: With a serious face and a strong but calm voice say, "Stop it!" or say “This is a waste of Bobby’s time and my time. Come with me Bobby.” (walk off confidently with Bobby) - Or say some other appropriate comment, but do not provoke the student who bullies.
Use “Fogging.” For example, admit that you also have the characteristic the bully is using to tease someone): “You know, Bobby and I both need to lose weight. Come with me Bobby.” (walk off confidently with Bobby)
Exhaust the topic (repeated questioning about putdown). For example, “How many people do you know that are fat?” “How overweight do you have to be to be fat?” “How long do you have to be overweight to be fat?” “Come with me Bobby.” (walk off confidently with Bobby)
Broken record — repeat: “What did you say?” or “That’s your opinion.” or “So.” “Come with me Bobby.” (walk off confidently with Bobby)
Confront the bully concerning his/her spreading rumors and lies about someone. Refuse to spread the lies and demand that the rumors/stop.
Expose the ignorance of the bully when he/she is teasing someone because of their disability or medical problem. Reveal the facts. Then ask the victim of bullying to walk off with you. (walk off confidently with Bobby)
Give the bully permission to tease: “Well, it’s okay to say what you want. It doesn’t bother Bobby and it doesn’t bother me. Come with me Bobby.” (walk off confidently with Bobby)
Take on the characteristic used to tease someone and use a sense of humor: “You know Bobby and I both have big ears, sometimes we feel like elephants. Don’t we Bobby?” or “You know, Bobby and I both are pretty stupid. Come with me Bobby.” (walk off confidently with Bobby)
Make an asset of the characteristic used to tease someone: “Well, I guess _______ ______ (a famous popular person) and Bobby look alike, they both don’t have a lot of hair. I wish I looked like Bobby. Hey Bobby, come with me.” (walk off confidently with Bobby)

What should I do when I find out my child is bullying others?

Stay calm.
Discuss the bullying events with your child (who, what, where, etc.) – do not interrogate.
Meet and work with your child’s teachers to change your child’s behavior.
Apply clear, fair, and significant negative consequences (e.g., grounded, child must repay stolen money, timeout, restore what has been destroyed).
For a day, go to school with your child – wherever your child goes, go with him/her.
Require your child to apologize and ask forgiveness (orally and in writing) those those he/she has bullied.
Teach your child that power can be experienced through doing good (e.g., through service projects, helping others, correcting wrongs, provide leadership role in promoting acceptance of others).
Help your find an area of interest and a hobby, a job or a way to provide a community service.
Require your child to monitor his/her behavior and report to you—teaching self-management and self-control.
Examine the friendships of your child. Do they bully others?
Immediately reinforce/reward positive and accepting behaviors.
Examine your discipline style. Is it to permissive? Is it abusive?
Examine the role models seen at home. Are they abusive?
If needed, seek professional counseling for your child.
Help your child manage his/her anger and frustration.

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